28 June 2013

Flat-Out Friday: Fallout

I was trying to decide what to write this week and I realized that I have been so emotionally and physically invested in what has been happening in my province that I haven't really taken the time to figure out how I am.

In the car on the way to our tattoo parlour today, I was talking to Matt about it. I came to realize that this whole thing with the scar tissue and my pain increasing has really done a number on my body and my soul. In addition to being in pain constantly, I'm nervous - way more nervous than I should be.

So is the pain I'm in heightening my latent anxieties? Or are the uncontrolled acts of God weighing heavily on my soul?

I can't be a passenger in the car without holding the "oh crap" handle. I lie awake thinking about all the mistakes I made in my life, ones not even related to the accident or ones I've already resolved. I just cringe at the thought of getting any more work done on my tattoo, or bloodwork, or anything that might cause me more pain than necessary. I haven't been swimming because I can't stand the thought of getting to the pool and having other women look at me in the change room. Sirens make me very, very edgy. I'm becoming insular, withdrawn, and emotional. I slept 14 hours last night for absolutely no reason.

So what is wrong with me?

I'm seeing the doctors next week - both my physician and my psychiatrist. I'm hoping that they will have some answers for me. Moreover, I'm hoping that this isn't indicative of something worse.

So that's where I'm at. I want to be better, but I can't handle the idea of getting there right now. I don't know. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need to give myself a break. I can't be incredibly strong for so long and not expect a little fallout.

Fallout sucks.


Krista Johns said...

Gentle hugs. Reading this and Wednesday's post back-to-back so I am glad to hear you had an uplifting, celebratory weekend with your real-life hero. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming," even if you need to 'glide' for a bit to catch your breath.

Krista Johns said...

That's just what my mum said. I shouldn't give myself such a hard time, I know. It's difficult to be objective and see how far I've come when I'm being subjective and looking at what I can't do yet. I am "gliding" now... and it feels pretty good.

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